 That's how I feel sometimes- that I am a shoddy leader. I use shoddy according to this definition, "not structurally complete".
I've noticed that many people choose a church to attend based on who
the preaching pastor is. That's hard for me. I am community
oriented in my approach to church. The idea of people attending or
leaving a congregation based on the personality or gifts of the pastor
leaves a sick feeling in my stomach. I know in that situation I'll
never measure up.
I'm not a great visionary. I will never
have thousands jump to their feet because of my preaching. I'm not as
detail focused as I should be. I am riddled with weaknesses and
insecurities. I don't have that je ne sais quoi of leadership
that convinces people to follow me (or buy a used car from me). But
for some reason, God has called me to leadership in His church.
I
became a Christian in my late teens. The church I was part of gave me
a good grounding in the Bible right away. Within a few months, I felt
a call to ministry. That is a terrible way of saying it, but I know no
better. I felt the call. I could see no future for me beyond the
church. I asked some peers in that congregation what they thought of
me becoming a pastor. I was universally shot down. Only the pastor of
the church conceded the possibility. Soon I was at Bible College.
I
soaked up the teaching like dry ground soaks up the rain. In my third
year, I got that "call" feeling again, this time to run for student
body president. When I mentioned it to the people closest to me, they
universally encouraged me to run. I was advised against it by a
certain faculty member, since there was a more desirable candidate
running, with a better pedigree. "Do you want to be that candidate
that is embarrassingly unqualified? The one that everyone tolerates
during the speeches, and then laughs at when they lose?" I ran and
won. I still remember how disappointed the staff person who told us the
results was. She told the two of us simply, "Andre won." Then she
walked away with other candidate to console him. Looking back on it
now, I wish the other guy had won. It was a hard year. I learned a
lot about leadership, but I still wonder if it was worth it.
I
left school, got married, and ended up working as a youth pastor in my
home church. I seemed to really find a niche. The youth group grew,
and good things were happening. However, it seemed as though Jesus'
words from Mark 6 plagued me there, "A prophet is not without honour, except in his hometown."
It felt (that word again) like every leadership decision I made was
second guessed. I remember one night I canceled a youth event because
the weather forecast was for ice rain (freezing rain for those of you
not from Eastern Ontario). I had parents go up one side of me and down
the other for that decision. I actually got yelled at for it by one
mom. While I was at that church, the senior pastor moved on to a new
ministry. The board told me that when they hired the new pastor, I
would have to give him my resignation on his first day, and he would
decide if I still had a job. I still remember sitting in my office at
the church, feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. Just then, I got
a call from someone I knew from Bible College. He talked to me about a
youth concert he was putting on, then asked me a funny question, "Are
you happy where you are?" He told me his church had just planted a
daughter work, and they were looking for a pastor with my gift set to
come lead. I got that "call" feeling again.
Within months I was
the pastor at that church. I stayed there for 10 years. There were
some tremendous victories there, and some mind-boggling, soul kicking
hard times as well. What kept me going through the ups and downs was
that sense of calling. I was doing what God had designed me to do.
About seven years in, I was offered a job at another church. It looked
so good! A large church, growing and healthy. The chance to work for
a great senior pastor. Everything I could want as a career move. The
problem was, no calling from God to go there. My head said, "Take the
job, this will make your career!" My soul said, "This is not God's
plan for you." So I stayed put for three more years.
About a
year before I left that church, I sensed my ministry was coming to a
close. We were growing, planting a second congregation, in the midst
of a building program, and I knew it was time for me to leave. I wish
I could say it was that sense of divine appointment that was leading me
to the next step. It wasn't. It was the simple fact that the bad days
had far out-numbered the good ones. The denominational pastor placement
"dating" computer spat out a few possibilities for me, but the River
was the ministry I felt called to.
I have been happily
installed here for over three years. There have been challenges here,
but God has been present. I'm sure it was not a mistake to come here. I
sure hope the people at the River agree with that sentiment!
Why the long testimony today? To tell you what I have learned about calling.
1. Calling is not always confirmed by peers.
In my first church, none of my peers agreed I was called to ministry.
At Bible College, many peers agreed about my calling to the presidency.
2. Calling is not always confirmed by mentors or elders.
My pastor saw the possibility of me going into ministry, the staff and
faculty at Bible College didn't see it in me for student council.
3. Calling, at least in my life, has always been to something, not away from something. God's calling is closely linked to purpose.
4. I do not lead or minister or pastor, or whatever you want to call it, according to my gifts or skills or my own righteousness.
I lead, using the gifts God has given me as tools to get the job done.
I minister, despite my long list of weaknesses, and because of Jesus.
I pastor according to his righteousness and credibility, because in
myself, I have none.
5. God doesn't need me. He chooses me. That goes for leaders and everyone in a church.
6. God's calling is not negated by my failures.
Peace.
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